Discussing Recovery With Adult Children
Tips to communicate with empathy, reduce shame, and strengthen connection.
This article is written for the recovering individual who has yet to have an open and honest discussion with their children about their personal struggles with addiction or mental illness.
It can be confusing and unsettling to have a parent with a Substance Use Disorder, regardless of your age. There isn't a single typical response from family members regarding your active substance use disorder or your efforts at recovery. The goal here is not to persuade or impress your opinion on your children. Instead, it's about starting conversations about your past and present experiences, your hopes for recovery, and your fears about the damage that has occurred within your relationship.
Your children’s reactions may vary from relief and gratitude to outright mistrust and anger. They will likely experience a combination of emotions that may include doubt, suspicion, sadness, cynicism, and confusion. The most important point I want to make in this blog article is that they are entitled to their feelings and emotions, no matter what.
However, a discussion like this can help initiate the healing of a wounded relationship and establish an entirely new connection with your child, opening the doors to more meaningful bonds and mutually supportive growth opportunities. This begins with setting the stage, having a positive mindset and a little preparation and planning.
Getting Started
Ideally, any delicate or potentially awkward conversation should be neutral and held in a comfortable environement. I recommend planning ahead. Invite your child or children to a meal or an activity that allows you to slow down and connect. Prepare them ahead of time by telling them that you have something important to talk about. Do not be overly dramatic or vague. Set up a time with no tight time limitations. Let them know that you hope this conversation will have a positive outcome and that you ask for it honestly and sincerely. Keep a positive and uplifted attitude throughout.
Things to be mindful of when having the conversation. Your children probably know more about your struggles than you think they do, no matter how much you think you have protected them or hid your challenges from them. Begin with asking them what they know and understand about your recent substance use or mental health struggles.
A Few Reminders
What to Do and What Not to Do When Communicating with Your Grown Children…
Do’s
Treat them as adults. State that you respect their autonomy and want to have an adult-to-adult conversation
Prepare with intention. Jot the essentials (facts, brief timeline, current status, supports).
Script: “I want to share what happened, where I am now, and my plan.”Frame it as a dialogue. This is a conversation, not a speech or defense.
Script: “I want this to be two-way—please stop me anytime.”Name the difficulty. Acknowledge the emotional weight up front.
Script: “This might be hard to talk about, and that’s okay.”Be concise, then invite questions. Self-disclose in moderation; leave space for them.
Script: “I’ll keep this brief so you can ask anything.”Listen first. Make your primary goal to understand their thoughts and feelings.
Script: “What are you feeling hearing this?”Validate and reflect. Show you heard them accurately.
Script: “I hear that you’re worried about how this affected your younger siblings.”Respect their perspective. Don’t deny, discount, or diminish.
Script: “Your view matters, even if it’s hard to hear.”Share your plan of action. Be concrete about next steps for substance use or mental health.
Script: “Here’s my plan—appointments, supports, and how I’ll keep you updated.”Offer measured gratitude. Thank them for time, honesty, and care.
Script: “Thank you for showing up for this.”Answer questions; acknowledge criticism. You can receive feedback without agreeing.
Script: “I hear your concern. I may see it differently, but I’m taking it seriously.”Hold boundaries on abuse. You don’t have to accept abusive language.
Script: “I want to keep talking, but not if we’re hurting each other.”Use open-ended questions. Invite engagement and nuance.
Script: “What feels most important to you that we haven’t covered?”Say “I don’t know” when needed. Promise follow-up.
Script: “I’m not sure—let me find out and get back to you.”Don’t rush. Allow pauses, breaks, or a part-two.
Script: “We can pause here and pick this up tomorrow.”Expect adjustment. Adult-to-adult talks may feel new or awkward at first.
Script: “This is a different kind of conversation for us; we’re learning together.”Remember the CCCs. They didn’t Cause it, can’t Cure it, and can’t Control it.
Script: “This isn’t your fault, and it isn’t yours to fix.”Be trauma-aware. This may trigger old or deeper wounds.
Script: “If this brings up hard memories, we can slow down or get support.”Offer resources if they ask. Be ready with options (therapy, groups, readings).
Script: “If you’d like, I can share a few support options.”Leave the door open. Invite continued conversation.
Script: “My door’s open—let’s keep talking when you’re ready.”Plant a seed for future education. Note topics like genetics and the disease model.
Script: “When it feels right, I’d love to share more about how mental health and addiction work.”Request space for amends. Ask for a future opportunity to apologize.
Script: “When you’re ready, I’d like to offer amends and hear what would help.”Prepare ahead of time. Make notes (if necessary) about the specific formation you would like to share.
Remember, this is a conversation, not a speech or lecture.
Acknowledge aloud that this could be a difficult conversation.
Be concise in your comments to allow for further questions. Self-disclose in moderation.
LISTEN. Make your primary goal to be “listening to their thoughts and feelings.” Seek to understand and be able to affirm their feelings.
Affirm and validate their feelings. Make sure that they know that you have understood what they have said.
A good response might be something like this: “I hear that you are worried about how this affected your younger siblings…
Respect their point of view. Do not deny, discount, or diminish.
Tell them your plan of action for addressing your ongoing substance and mental health issues.
Offer gratitude and praise in moderation for any time and attention they have granted you.
Answer their questions and acknowledge criticism.
This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with it or that you have to accept abusive language.
Ask them if they have any additional questions. Ask them open-ended questions to help them engage in the conversation.
Don’t be afraid to say. “I don’t know, I am not sure, or I will have to get back to you.”
Don’t rush the conversation.
Recognize that it might be hard for them to adjust to an adult conversation with you the first few times you attempt this. It might be hard for them to acknowledge their feelings, ask you questions, or absorb this information.
Remember the CCCs. Remind them that they didn’t cause your illness and cannot cure it or control it.
Be aware that this conversation may trigger deeper or old wounds in your child that they have not addressed.
Be prepared to offer them options for help if they ask.
Leave the door open for future conversations.
Plant the seed to have a discussion in the future about the Genetic and Disease Concepts of Mental Health.
Ask for a future opportunity to give your amends or apologies.
Don’ts
Don’t take their anger personally. Their feelings reflect their experience. You may have made serious mistakes, but you are not a bad person—stay grounded and listen.
Don’t give unsolicited advice. Resist fixing. Ask permission first: “Would it help to hear what I’m trying now?”
Don’t pull rank. Skip the Parent Card (“because I’m your parent/because I said so”). Speak adult-to-adult.
Don’t shift blame. Own your choices and impact. Avoid blaming them, circumstances, or others. Use I-statements and accountability.
Don’t dismiss or downplay feelings. Skip “It could’ve been worse.” Validate first; compare never.
Don’t share others’ stories. Protect privacy; speak only to your experience and impact.
Don’t use guilt or manipulation. No ultimatums, love-withdrawal, or scorekeeping.
Don’t coach them on how to treat you (unless asked). Avoid “Here’s how I want you to respond.” Invite their perspective instead.
Don’t explain away, justify, or minimize. Own your choices and impact. Keep it accountable and concise.
This conversation also offers the oportunity for connection and could ultimately bring you closer together than ever.
Summary
Accepting that your children are now adults can be the most challenging part—especially after estrangement or years of active illness. Progress takes empathy, patience, and practice, and it’s okay if the first conversation isn’t perfect. Name your care and willingness to keep talking, even if they’re angry or frustrated. If you can start and end with respect and warmth, trust has room to grow. Over time, honest conversations won’t feel like special events—they’ll become part of how your family relates.
I hope this has been helpful. If you believe it will benefit someone else, please share it. Also, check out some of my other entries and return every Monday for more topics.
Please feel free to email me if you have a topic you want me to address. The email link/address is located on my website.
You might be interested in checking out one of these topics about communication.
Resources
https://americanaddictioncenters.org/rehab-guide/guide-for-children