The Uninvited Guest: How Shame Shows Up in My Life
And How I Refuse to Let it In
You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”
- Brene Brown
Shame and guilt are often confused, but they play very different roles in our emotional lives. Guilt is about actions; it says, “I did something wrong.” Shame goes deeper. It says, “There’s something wrong with me.” Shame isn’t just an emotion; it’s a lens that distorts our self-perception. It often takes root early, planted in childhood, shaped by criticism, neglect, trauma, or unrealistic expectations. Over time, we don’t need anyone else to shame us; we do it ourselves. And the hardest part? Shame doesn’t always show up as “I feel ashamed.” It hides in perfectionism, people-pleasing, silence, anger, and withdrawal. It can be incredibly subtle, making it harder to recognize and confront. In this post, I want to explore how shame sneaks into my everyday life—even in quiet, unexpected moments. My hope is that by naming it, I can help you recognize it in your own story—and begin to release it, with compassion.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you”
The Cost of Unrecognized or Unaddressed Shame
When shame remains unnoticed, it doesn’t just stay hidden; it influences how people view themselves, how they connect in relationships, and how they navigate the world. Shame can appear as anxiety, irritability, or the constant feeling of not being good enough, even when everything seems to be going fine. It often results in isolation—not because of a lack of care, but out of fear of being truly seen. It can make trusting love, accepting help, or believing in one’s own worth difficult. To cope, many resort to numbing behaviors like overworking, drinking, avoiding, or people-pleasing, to silence the internal noise. It often feels safer to push others away or pretend everything is OK than to take the risk of vulnerability. Shame also makes it tough to accept feedback without turning it into a sign of failure, and it can quietly hinder progress, not out of laziness or lack of desire, but from a deep uncertainty about whether growth is even deserved. Recognizing shame doesn’t eliminate it, but it opens a space where healing can start.
Shame self-talk
As I started writing this section, I initially thought I had moved beyond many of these patterns of self-talk. I wanted to believe I had outgrown them, but the truth is, I still see myself in each category. There has been growth, without a doubt. I’m more aware now. I can often recognize the shame-driven thoughts as they occur, or at least shortly afterward. That awareness is progress. But it also prompts deeper questions: How much of this inner dialogue mirrors beliefs I still hold about myself? And how much is just habit—automatic, rehearsed messages I’ve internalized over time? We will explore these questions more in a future blog article.
To further explore how shame-based thinking operates, it’s helpful to examine specific examples of self-talk. The following section outlines common patterns and phrases, along with the emotional consequences they can have when left unrecognized or unchallenged.
Example and Types of Shame-Based Self-Talk and Its Emotional Consequences
1. Self-Criticism and Harsh Judgment
"I'm so stupid." This is an outright attack on a person's sense of self-worth.
"I always mess everything up." This generalizes mistakes as a permanent trait rather than an individual incident
"I should have done better." This implies a sense of personal failing rather than a learning opportunity.
How this used to show up in my life –
Feeling as if I was flawed or imperfect.
Where shame subtlety sneaks in, even now -
- When I lose my patience or snap, the old “bad mom” narrative creeps in again.
- I still worry about being “fair” to all four of them, typically manifesting over gift-giving situations.
- I sometimes question my role as a parent now that my kids are adults. It’s a new, unfamiliar stage.
2. Focusing on flaws and imperfections
"I'm such a failure." This is a broad generalization that can paralyze individuals.
"I'm unlovable/unworthy of happiness." This can lead to self-isolation and the sabotage of relationships.
How this used to show up in my life –
-focusing more on the failure than the success
Where shame subtlety sneaks in, even now -
- Trying to get things perfect - spending too much time on editing, explaining, or over-correcting.
- Comparing my work, myself, etc, to others, and finding weaknesses as opposed to acknowledging the improvement and growth.
3. Hopelessness, learned helplessness, and Negative predictions
"It's never going to change. I'm stuck like this." This expresses a sense of permanence and lack of agency.
I will never get this right.
"It doesn’t matter how hard I try.” These reinforce the idea of a bleak future.
How this used to show up in my life –
- Preparing for negative outcomes, worrying about the “worst-case scenario” happening.
Where shame subtlely sneaks in, even now -
- Spending more time than necessary on overplanning, over-preparing for events and activities.
-I sometimes overreact to minor mistakes, unexpected events, or disruptions because they trigger a deeper fear — that I’m not in control or that I am powerless about what could happen.
4. Comparisons
“What's wrong with me? Everyone else seems to be able to (get it, be happy, find love, etc.)" This highlights a feeling of isolation and difference.
“I don’t have a chance because I don’t have the right education, experiences, or opportunity.”
“They are better than I because of their education, salary, appearance, etc. “
"I'll never be as good as [someone else]." This fuels a sense of inadequacy and worthlessness.
How this used to show up in my life -
- I judged my value in comparison to others based on appearance, intelligence, and possessions.
Where shame subtlety sneaks in, even now -
- I struggle with accepting compliments or praise
5. Avoidance and Secrecy
"If they really knew who I was, they wouldn’t like me, trust me, etc." This reinforces the isolation that shame thrives on.
"No one would understand if I told them." This prevents seeking support and connection.
How this used to show up in my life –
- I didn’t want to seem incapable, so I tried to figure it all out on my own.
Where shame subtlety sneaks in, even now -
- I hesitate to ask for help, even now.
- I avoid sharing health concerns with my kids because I worry they’ll see me as overly dramatic, like I was in the past.
6. How shame shows up in relationships
“It’s my fault the relationship failed,” which suggests that “worth” is tied to the success or failure of the relationship.
“I should have tried harder to make them happy.”- suggests that you perceive that you’re not enough as you are — that your value depends on pleasing others.
“If I were better, they wouldn’t have left.” - This reflects shame by connecting rejection to personal inadequacy, as if one’s flaws caused abandonment.
How this used to show up in my life –
- I didn’t set and honor my boundaries.
- I was a people pleaser to the point of losing my identity.
Where shame subtlely sneaks in, even now -
- Although I deeply value the close relationships I have, I still tend to keep new friendships at arm’s length. It’s not that I don’t want connection, just part of me still fears that I might experience more loss.
“Self-compassion isn’t the reward for healing. It’s the way through it.”
What I’m Doing to Combat Shame
1. I name it with compassion.
When shame sneaks in, I say it aloud or write it down. Naming it takes away some of its power. It’s no longer a secret; it’s something I’m healing. I remind myself that shame often points to old wounds, especially from childhood. That awareness helps me grow through it, not just sit in it.
2. I speak to myself like I would speak to my child.
If I wouldn’t say it to someone I love, I don’t say it to myself. I’m learning to be kinder and more honest in my self-talk. This shift helps rebuild self-trust and supports my mental and emotional well-being.
3. I forgive myself when I fall back.
Growth isn’t linear. There are ups, downs, and stuck places—and shame loves to creep in when I slip into old patterns. But I’ve learned to see progress in the effort, not just the outcome. I no longer avoid the setbacks; I meet them with grace.
4. I surround myself with safe people.
Whether it’s therapy, recovery meetings, or trusted friendships, I stay close to people who understand and don’t judge my journey. I set boundaries with other
5. I have learned to pause and reflect
When I start to spiral, I over-apologize, overreact, or second-guess myself. I ask, “Is this helping me grow, or keeping me small?” and choose thoughts and affirmations that support healing,
6. I share my story.
Every time I speak the truth (what I used to hide), I loosen shame’s grip. Sharing my story not only reminds someone else they’re not alone, but it also helps me rebuild my own self-worth. Each time I speak up, I feel a little stronger, more grounded, more whole.
Shame is the root of all addictions. It is the feeling of not being enough, and it feeds the cycle. Healing starts with owning the truth and loving ourselves through it.
-John Bradshaw
Closing
Shame thrives in silence, but it starts to weaken the moment we name it. Recognizing shame by saying, “This is what’s happening inside me,” is powerful. It transforms a quiet, corrosive emotion into something we can examine, understand, and eventually heal. If shame has appeared for you while reading this, whether in your self-talk, your relationships, or how you carry yourself, please hear this: you are not broken, weak, or alone. Shame is a universal human experience. It manifests in many ways, often without us realizing it. But healing is possible, and it begins not with perfection but with awareness.
I invite you to take this awareness a step further. Think about the question: Where does shame slip into your life? When does it whisper that you’re not doing enough, being enough, or showing up the “right” way? Consider writing about a recent moment when you felt the burden of shame and what you needed at that time. You may find that beneath the shame was a longing for connection, safety, or understanding. That insight matters.
If this post resonated with you, I hope you’ll stay with me through this blog series. In the next entry, we’ll explore one of the most painful and persistent lies that shame plants in us: “I am not enough.” Together, we’ll start to challenge that thoughtand replace it with something much more true and healing. Want support along the way? Click here to subscribe to my newsletter and receive updates, journal prompts, and encouragement straight to your inbox.
I hope you find this information helpful. However, I must also mention that the advice given is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. I always recommend that you consult with a licensed professional in their field of expertise.
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